The Cab Driver

A Houston Cab driver had just picked up his first fare of the day, at the Houston Airport, when the younger good looking female passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his 

attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said she didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) knows a kid
d) is going to have kids.
I guess that is most of us!!

-------------------------------------------------------

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' ,
and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home...

Traffic Cam...

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, and again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more; and again, the traffic camera flashed. He tried a fourth and a fifth time with the same results. He was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

Tithing

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.00. 
  
It happened again the next week, so the following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. 
  
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. 
  
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000.00 a week in the collection plate," he stated. 
  
She replied, "Why yes.  Every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
  
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, but $1000.00 is a lot of money.  Are you sure you can afford this?  How much does he send you?" 
  
The elderly woman answered, "He sends me $10,000.00 a week." 
  
The pastor was amazed and said, "Wow, your son must be very successful.  What does he do for a living?" 
  
"He is a veterinarian," she answered. 
  
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.  "Where does he practice?" 
  
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .  He has two cat houses - one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno ." 
  
The pastor walked away. 

1st or 3rd Grade...What do you think?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students  
  
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

  
  
Principal:What is 3 x 3?'

        
Harry: 9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

   
  
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.
  
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two     
of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
  
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

   
The principal wondered why would she ask such a  question!
  
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

  
Harry: 'Pants.'

   
  
Ms. Brooks: ' What starts with a C, ends with a T, is 
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

 
  
Harry: 'Coconut.'

   
  
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?' 

   
  
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

     
answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

   
  
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
  
a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'
   
  
The principal was trembling.
  
Ms. Brooks: 'What word

   
starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and
excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

   
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the

teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions

wrong.....'

Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest

beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's

electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well

over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.. Is there

any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes

perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn

you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you

have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which

is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Points to ponder

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will,

is it considered rape or shoplifting?

---

How important does a person have to be before they are

considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

---

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...

 But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? 

 Where's that

 extra penny going to?

---

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the

clothes you were buried in for eternity?

---

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

---

What disease did cured ham actually have?

---

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured

 out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

---

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"

when babies wake up like every two hours?

---

If a deaf person has to go to court,

is it still called a hearing?

---

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

---

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put

 money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

---

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

---

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

---

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the

 toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human

 being would eat?

---

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,

why is there a stupid song about him?

---

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

---

If the professor on Gilligan's Island  can make a radio

out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

---

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains

 on all fours?They're both dogs!

---

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that

ACME crap,why didn't he just buy dinner?

---

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is

 made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

---

If electricity comes from electrons,

 does morality come from morons?

---

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

 have the same tune?

---

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

---

---

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face

 he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,

 he sticks his head out the window?

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. but nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

  First:
  What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

  Second:
  How many seconds are there in a year?

  Third:
  What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
  ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
  ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
  ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'


  Lord, Give me a sense of humor
  Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
  To get some humor out of life,
  And to pass it on to other folks !!!